One of the first flaws most noted in a marriage is the fact that the couple is no longer being kind to one another. They begin arguing, assuming the worse, and often times becoming critical of each other. Researchers found it odd that couples can be arguing in a grocery store and then suddenly become friendly again at the cashier. Once the couple grab their bags and head for the door they begin arguing again. What’s going on? When did we turn our best friend and mate into our enemy and begin treating them disrespectfully? Is it our stress at work, our unhappiness with our lives or ambitions, or is it less efficient to be kind in this hurried life?
Being unkind to your partner is damaging for your partner, your children, and you. It creates stress which leads to physical and emotional problems. Being kind is acting in a compassionate and respectful way toward your partner. Research shows that couples who are kind to one another are healthier and their relationships are more successful. Reading the news about teens beating up other teens is a sure sign that it is time to bring kindness back into your home. The way to begin kindness training is through a process called “positive perspective”. The first rule of teaching positive perspective is to change the way you think—that is, begin to act positive and assume the best intentions. For example, if you ask your spouse to record Monday night football for you and they don’t, instead of attacking them with “you never” or “you should” try saying, “I know how busy you are. Thanks for all the things you have done to make our home happy/for doing such a great job with the kids.”
When you change your thoughts you change your words and, therefore, set up an environment of peace and kindness. The old assumptions were all about you (she doesn’t want me to watch football) and what you wanted. It’s okay not to get your way; kindness is more important. The greatest thing is kindness creates kindness because it is contagious.
Simple tips for creating positive regard in your marriage and your home
· Say please and thank you to your spouse. A man actually told his wife in my office he shouldn’t have to say please or thank you to his wife or kids. Why not? What part about being married makes you exempt from being kind?
· Ask for help in a polite manner. No one wants to be ordered around, especially your spouse. Asking for help validates your partner that you still look to them for help. Being needed is important to each and every one of us.
· When your spouse does something for you above and beyond the call, make sure they know they are appreciated. When your spouse does something for you, don’t exclaim that they should have done it a long time ago or make reference to someone else’s mate who is more efficient. This does nothing to create positive perspective and builds resentment instead (resentment does not exist with kindness).
We all are human and we all have bad days when we aren’t kind. This is to be expected, but if you can change your arguing and disrespect of your spouse in front of a cashier (someone you don’t know) you can change it in your home. If you can change it in your home, both your marriage and you will be healthier and happier. What is stopping you? What makes the fighting or arguing more worthwhile then a home with kindness? -Mary Jo Rapini-
For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Nancy@CallNancyFurst.com
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